Jacob's Mother—Chapter 18
There and Not There
Jacob’s Mother is a serialized novel. Start with Chapter One.
Chapter Eighteen: There and Not There—California 2011
Hannah hummed along with the tunes coming out of the kitchen radio, rinsing plates and loading them in the dishwasher. She loved Saturday mornings with Addie. Jacob always spent a few hours at the local coffee shop, grading papers and planning his lectures for the upcoming weeks. Saturday mornings were the only time when Hannah and Addie could hang out in the house without getting ready to go to the sitter, work, some play date with another baby, etc…
Hannah turned the radio up and put the last dish in the dishwasher. She smiled and danced over to Addie who sat on a playmat in the corner of the kitchen with various tupperware items strewn about. She waved a blue plastic lid to the beat of the music and squealed with laughter when her mama danced over to her. She bobbed her curly red head to the music, mimicking her mother and laughing.
“Ma! Ma!” Little Addie squealed as her mother lifted her up by her arms. “Ma, Ma, up!”
“Let’s dance, baby!” Hannah laughed and sat Addie on her hip, holding one of her pudgy arms out in an exaggerated tango. She nuzzled her nose into Addie’s wild red curls, breathed in her powdery scent, and smiled as they sashayed with her into the living room.
Hannah held her daughter tight, amazed at how this little bundle of curls was developing her own personality. Everything was new to Addie. Everything was amazing, and it gave Hannah a new love of life. She sat on the couch with her daughter on her knees and bounced her up and down to the beat of the music.
Addie bounced to the music and laughed and laughed. Her giggle was contagious and Hannah found herself filled with more love for this little creature than she ever thought she was capable of having. Aideen smiled and squealed, “Ma! Ma!”
Hannah laughed and covered her daughter with kisses. Addie squealed and wiggled to get out of her mother’s grasp.
“Down!” she commanded.
Hannah let her down on her two legs next to the couch. Addie inched her way around, took a couple of steps from the couch, and fell back onto her bottom. She looked over at Hannah to see what kind of response she would get if she cried from the fall.
“Oh, you are perfectly fine!” Hannah said, smiling. “You are a tough girl! Try again.”
“Ma! Ma!” Addie squealed and pumped her little fists in the air. Then instead of trying to stand up, she crawled quickly away. Hannah let her roam and explore, following behind, but not too closely, so little Addie would not be afraid of independence. Hannah stifled a laugh as Addie crawled boisterously down the long hallway, slapping her little hands on the wood floor for added noise to pronounce her entrance into the hallway.
“Ma! Ma!” she squealed, and Hannah could tell that she liked the way her voice echoed a bit in the empty hall. Addie sat back on her little haunches, falling back on her diaper again, yelling, “Ma! Ma!” and pumping her tiny fists up and down. She crawled all the way up to the guest bedroom, Julia’s old room, stood up on shaky legs and slapped the closed door a couple of times.
“Ma! Ma!” She slapped both hands on the door, wanting to enter, wanting to explore.
“Ok,” Hannah said. “Let’s go in there. Say please, Addie. Say please.”
Aideen looked up at her mother with wide eyes. “Peeeeaaase,” she said. Then she slapped the door some more.
“Ok, here we go.” Hanna turned the handle and opened the door slowly, while Addie pressed up against it. “Be careful, don’t fall.” The curtains were drawn, and the room was dark and cool. They didn’t go in that room very often, using it only for the occasional guest. Hannah switched on the light. The wall that they had painted black to cover Julia’s drawings popped sharply with the white trim, and guests often complimented the way that Hannah had decorated the room. There were a couple of black and white pictures on the wall with white frames. Hannah had wanted to add more, but really hadn’t had any time for decorating since Addie had arrived.
Addie plopped down to her bottom, then crawled straight over to the closet. She stood up and slapped on the closet door. “Ma! Ma!”
“Do you want to see what’s in there, too?”
“Ma! Ma!”
“Say please.”
“Pease.”
Hannah opened the closet door, and pulled the chain to turn on the light. She cringed, almost expecting to see black swirls written all over the walls and a hole in the back of the closet, but all that stared back at her was new drywall, a few coats, storage boxes, and a basketball. It was an ordinary closet.
Addie crawled into the closet, and slapped her hands on a stack of boxes against the back wall. They were filled with Julia’s personal possessions that didn’t have a place at the home. Julia lifted the top box out and set it aside to get to the box that Addie wanted, but Addie had already changed her focus to the basketball. She slapped it with her hands, “Ba! Ba!”
“Yes, that’s a ball,” Hannah said, a little absentmindedly as she set the box on top of the bed and removed the lid. The inside smelled like Julia. It was filled with old clothes from the seventies. Addie continued slapping the basketball in the closet, as Hannah lifted out a leather jacket from the 70’s and held it up. It was stiff from being stored for so long. “Look at this cool jacket, Addie. Your grandma was pretty hip back in the day.” Next she pulled out an orange polyester collared shirt, and a brown corduroy skirt. She held each item up, and mused, “Wow, I can’t imagine Julia ever being this slim.”
In the bottom of the box, under the clothing, was a photo album. Hannah flipped open to the first page. Stuck between a film of plastic and the sticky album back was an orangey photo of a young Julia, wearing a revealing white sweater and the same leather jacket that was in the box. A handsome young man had his arm around her. He had a familiar lop-sided grin. Like he didn’t have a care in the world. They seemed to be in a pub of some sort.
Hannah couldn’t believe how gorgeous Julia was with brown feathered hair, makeup, and a sexy smile. Julia was a babe. Hannah stared at the man, and he looked so familiar. He had blond longish hair that was the style of the seventies. He looked like a cross between a surfer and a football player. She would have to ask Jacob if he knew who it was. She stared closely at Julia’s image. She was smiling, but there was something sad underneath her happy face, as if something was bothering her. Hannah looked closer and noticed that Julia was wearing a necklace. She gasped and looked even closer, turning the photo album to try to make out what was on the necklace. She couldn’t be sure because of the quality of the aged photo, but the necklace seemed to have a symbol with three swirls on it. The same symbol that Julia had drew all over her walls, the same symbol that she continued to fill up her little notebooks with. Hannah tried to peel the plastic cover away from the photo to get another look, and realized that time had melded to two together. She wouldn’t be able to get the photo out of the album without destroying it.
Flipping through the rest of the album, Hannah realized that Julia must have traveled to Ireland. The blond man appeared in one more picture, by himself staring out over some large cliffs. Julia must have taken this, Hannah thought. The rest of the pictures were of Julia, quite artsy, interesting angles and compositions.
Addie was still slapping the ball happily, and Hannah turned back to the first photo. She was sure that the necklace was the same symbol that Julia obsessed over. What could it mean?
“Ma! Ma!”
Addie had abandoned the basketball and was slapping the back wall of the closet, where the boxes had been.
“Honey, that’s a wall,” Hannah said, trying to draw Addie out of the closet by her hand.
Stubbornly, Addie pulled her hand away. She slapped the wall again.
“There’s nothing there. Would you like to look in another closet?”
Addie slapped the wall. “Pease!”
Hannah felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. “No honey, there’s nothing there.” She bent down and picked Addie up. Addie screamed and made her body go limp, so that it was difficult for Hannah to hold onto her. “Ok, ok,” she said and set her back down.
Addie slapped the wall. “Ma! Ma!”
“Baby, I can’t open a wall for you. That’s the end of the closet.”
Addie plopped down on her bottom and stared at the wall.
“Come on Addie, let’s get out of this room.”
Addie just sat and stared quietly at the wall. Hannah felt a chill through her whole body, realizing that she had seen that same look on Julia’s face during her episodes. Addie looked back at her mother and pointed at the wall.
“Lil!” she cried and laughed.
Hannah sank to her knees. “What did you say?”
“Lil! Lil! Lil!”
Hannah couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t see straight. Was she hearing things? She scooped Addie up and carried her out of the room screaming. She shut the door to Julia’s bedroom, which made her scream even more. Hannah tried to distract her with the radio and toys. She even took her outside to look at the trees, but the usually happy little Addie cried and cried and wouldn’t stop. She cried for a full hour, finally falling asleep in her mother’s arms.
Afraid to set her daughter down and wake her. Hannah held her close and sat on the couch in the living room. She was shaking in fear. What could this mean? Addie’s cheek was sweaty against her arm. Why did she say, “Lil?” Is Addie crazy like Julia? Ok, let’s think logically, she thought. She had already researched all about schizophrenia as soon as she found out about Julia. It didn’t usually manifest in women until the late 20s early 30s. Addie was just a baby, so that didn’t make sense. Also, if Addie had schizophrenia it wouldn’t make sense for her to see and hear the same things that Julia imagined. That was impossible. She stood up and went into the hallway, staring at the shut door to Julia’s room. She didn’t want to go in there. Something bad was in there.
She held Addie close and smelled her red curls. “You’re being crazy, Hannah,” she whispered to herself. “It’s just a room. There’s nothing there.” Addie fidgeted slightly in her sleep. “It’s nothing. It’s a coincidence. You’re just tired, that’s all.”
When Jacob got back from grading papers at the coffee shop, he found his wife and child in the hallway. Both of them had tear stained faces and Addie was screaming and banging on the door to Julia’s bedroom.
“What’s going on?” he asked, alarmed to see his happy little family in disarray.
“There’s something wrong,” Hannah cried. “There’s something wrong with that room!”
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t let Addie in there, please! Your mom was right! I don’t think she’s crazy.”
“That’s ridiculous!” Jacob swooped Addie up in his arms and opened the door to Julia’s bedroom. She instantly stopped crying. The closet door was open, and Addie wiggled to be released from her father’s arms. “Here you go.” He set her down in front of the closet.
“No, Jacob! Don’t” Hannah cried out frantically from the hallway.
Addie crawled right over to the basketball on the ground and slapped it. “Ba! Ba!” she cried gleefully.
Jacob turned to Hannah with concern. “Babe, what’s going on?”
Hannah entered the room and looked around. Everything looked perfectly normal. The box of clothes was on the bed, and the photo album was open to the picture of Julia and the blond man. Tears were streaming down Hannah’s face, and Jacob immediately strode over to her, and took her in his arms.
“See, everything is ok.” He wiped her tears away from her face. “Everything is fine.” Addie played with the ball happily. “She just wanted the ball. It’s ok. Are you ok?”
Hannah felt a little silly looking at all the normality of the room. “But she said, Lil!”
Jacob pulled her tighter into his arms. “Oh honey, you are worrying way too much about all of this. We’ve done the research, the chance that Addie will ever get schizophrenia is very slim. She is a normally happy baby, and normal happy babies make all kinds of sounds, right?”
In Jacob’s arms and in the normal guest room, with Addie normally playing with the basketball, Hannah felt sillier and sillier. She smiled and said, “I’m so sorry. I must be exhausted, and I was looking at these old photos of your mom.”
Jacob picked up the photo album. “I’ve never seen this.”
Addie pushed the ball and it rolled out of the room into the hallway. She crawled after it. The two parents followed, Jacob holding the album open to the picture of his mother with the blond man.
“Do you know that man?” Hannah asked.
“No, why?”
“Well, this may sound weird, but I think he looks like you.”
Jacob looked closer at the picture. “Why? because he’s a white dude, and we all look alike?”
Hannah pointed to his mouth. “He has your lopsided grin.”
They went into the living room, following Addie and the basketball, and sat on the couch. Jacob smiled at Hannah with the exact same lopsided grin as in the photograph.
“I am sure it’s no one.”
“Let’s ask Julia.”
“Hannah, I really don’t need to know anything else about my mother’s sordid past. Let’s just live in the moment, ok?”
Hannah sighed. “Jacob, I know you will be interested in this.” She pointed to the necklace. “It’s that same shape that your mother draws, look at it.”
“Well, it could be.” He looked closely at the picture. “That shape is called a triskele, and it is really common in Ireland. It would make sense that she obsesses over symbols from her youth. It is the sign of the Trinity, and you know how religious she is. It makes sense, right?”
“I guess so,” Hannah felt very tired from the days fiasco and lay down on the couch with her head in Jacob’s lap. He stroked her hair, and she closed her eyes.
“This is weird, but my students are studying Celtic symbols in my class,” he said, going into professor mode. “The majority of people believe the triskele is a sign of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost, which I am sure that’s why my mom is obsessed with it. However, it’s origin is much older, and it actually is a goddess symbol for the maiden, the mother, and the crone.”
Continue to Chapter 19.
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Jacob’s Mother is an original publication by Laura Ellis. This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in any retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise—without prior written permission of the publisher, except as provided by United States of America copyright law and fair use.